Forgiveness

I feel I am not equipped to write this post, or that I must do so from the point of view of a hypocrite. Well, I suppose that's many things in life, anyway, and a part of growing. At least I can acknowledge it.

The topic of forgiveness has been heavy on my mind in the past few months as I have seen places in my life where I feel I must forgive others for very real and hurtful actions. Some of them are things that happened a long time ago which I just now realize I have been holding onto, and some are very current. What makes it extra complicated, I realize, is that sometimes we have to forgive people for simply being themselves. That one is annoying. It would be great to be able to forgive a one-off action and move on - but forgiving someone's way of existence is just confusing. I think I don't like it because there's no solution or resolution. You have to acknowledge that something simply doesn't work, no matter how you look at it.

Last week I went to a talk given by the Center for Psychological Services entitled, "Forgiving Yourself and Others and Mental (and Physical) Health." The talk was given by Everett Worthington, a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University whose credentials are impressive, to say the least. This is a man whose mother was murdered - beaten to death with a club during a home invasion - and he was able to forgive the murderer. He has done tons of research on the topic of forgiveness and I found it fascinating that there are psychological researchers who have devoted their whole lives to studying this topic. It seems worthwhile, doesn't it?

 A few things stood out to me: of course there are the usual health benefits one would associate with forgiveness, both mental and physical, but I also liked his discussion of what forgiveness is not: forgiveness is not condoning an action or even reconciling with another person. It is something that happens within your own skin, and can only happen in your own skin, and you don't even need to communicate it to the other person. Sometimes it's better not to (for example, when that person doesn't know they have hurt you!). I appreciated knowing that forgiveness is not a two-way street, along the lines of reconciliation. Because there are situations wherein I can neither visualize nor desire reconciliation. Ultimately, though, I think the most important thing to remember is that forgiveness releases you and benefits you more than the person you are forgiving. It's absolutely critical to be able to move on. Ah, but sometimes we don't want to.

This is relevant considering the Year of Mercy starting December 8. Are mercy and forgiveness the same things? I can't figure it out. I think, though, that mercy is the first step toward forgiveness, and I don't think you can have one without the other. I do not find this naturally easy, though, when my ego gets worked up and I make assumptions and feel comfortable in self-righteousness. For this reason I plan to play special attention during the upcoming year, read more on the topic and pray (perhaps the Divine Mercy chaplet is a good place to start) on how I can improve my own ability to forgive.

By the way - I received the very thrilling news that I get to volunteer at, and attend, the Pope's canonization Mass for Blessed Junipero Serra when the Holy Father is town later this month! This is a blessing beyond belief and an answered prayer - one of many recently. I am so overjoyed that I get to not only see the Pope, but meet lots of other excited Catholics and witness this special event. Needless to say, I have never seen a canonization before. Holy cow! Or holy Junipero Serra, I should say. See what I did there?

True Freedom

"Joshua gathered together all the tribes of Israel at Shechem,
summoning their elders, their leaders,
their judges, and their officers.
When they stood in ranks before God,
Joshua addressed all the people:
“If it does not please you to serve the LORD,
decide today whom you will serve,
the gods your fathers served beyond the River
or the gods of the Amorites in whose country you are now dwelling.
As for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”

Joshua 24:1-2a, 15-17

Last Monday during jail ministry, we talked about this reading, from Sunday 8/23. An inmate noted how just as the Israelites had the choice to serve whomever they wanted, today we still have that same choice: we can either choose to embrace or turn away from the false gods of power, money, fame, drugs, another person - all of the temptations which take the place of God but which are not him. The inmate shared an experience from his younger days, wherein he found himself professionally successful but empty inside, relying on drinking and heavy partying to give his life meaning. Alcohol was his god, and the thing to which he oriented his life. He gained fake friends and lost real ones, and eventually woke up one day and decided to give it up altogether before his life was too out of control. He's been sober for several years. It was a very personal and touching story, and characteristic of the very real way in which the inmates share their stories not just with us, but with each other.

The story reminded me of an experiment I did earlier this year with my own drinking habits. I call it an experiment because that's how I viewed it at the beginning, not expecting any deeper meaning. In January, after the holidays and at the beginning of a new year, I decided to give up drinking for an undetermined amount of time. Once I got rolling, I kept at it through Lent, so for around four months in all. During Lent I allowed myself a drink on Sundays if I felt like it, though by that time I didn't (funny how that happens). Otherwise, there was no drinking allowed.

This was motivated mostly out of curiosity, but also the creeping feeling that maybe I was relying on drink too much in social situations. I've never been one to come home and have a beer or a glass of wine each night, and I don't even go to happy hours all that often. But when I did drink, it was in social settings, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, it was to serve the dual purpose of overcoming social anxiety and because I didn't believe I could have a good time without it. However, given how infrequently I thought I drank, I figured it would be a pretty simple lifestyle change.

There were a few lessons I learned. The first was the hit my ego took when I realized how hard it actually was for me to stop that habit of drinking. In my mind, I rarely drank. Turns out I needed it more than I thought, and I had to sit and simmer in that feeling of self-denial and humiliation for the first couple weeks. Much to my surprise, I actually was dependent on alcohol to a certain degree. So then I had a new thought: what else am I kidding myself about?

Secondly, I noticed some friends stopped asking me to hang out. This surprised me because even though I wasn't drinking, that didn't mean I couldn't enter a bar or that I was no longer interested in having fun. Now this one was hurtful: I thought I had relationships built on the things real friendships are built on - love, trust, mutual understanding, shared values, etc. That was clearly not the case. That was the second lesson, and perhaps the beginning of an answer to what else am I kidding myself about.

Third: because I was not drinking but still going out, I was in the social situations which in the past would have made me want to pick up a glass of wine. Well, now I didn't have that choice. So, I had to talk to people about real things, sober, as myself. And guess what? It was fun, exhilarating and incredible. I know that sounds naive, but it was a new experience at that time. And again, the ego takes a hit even in admitting that. It's strange to know that I didn't think myself, as I exist, was enough to hold a conversation or to be able to enjoy myself, without the help of alcohol. It's pretty pathetic, actually. And yet I think it's a thought a lot of people operate from.

Now, going to parties was like a beautiful challenge which every time I met and surpassed. It was freeing; it was a sense of, "Okay, what's next?" I began to trust my judgment more. Not only that, but I began to see others more clearly for who they were, which is its own sign of respect. When you're drunk, you're not only seeing yourself through a distorted lens, but everyone around you, too. And then it bothered me less that I had lost some acquaintances along the way because I understood that looking at oneself (or life) sober can be difficult. Not everyone is ready for that. I think there is even a degree of defensiveness or protectiveness in that, too - this is what I can manage, don't ask any more of me.

Another benefit of this total sobriety was actually remembering what I did. I was waking up feeling great and having a productive day after a night out. If you've never had this experience, I don't think that will make sense, because when you drink, half the fun (supposedly) is remembering all the dumb, funny, witty, brilliant, embarrassing stuff you did the night before while intoxicated, and lamenting the degree to which you are hungover. Wasting the day away watching Netflix for six hours on the couch, suffering through a never-ending headache and dehydration, eating crappy Chinese food, it's like you take it for granted it's an inevitable part of drinking. It's almost like a competition - who feels the worst today? You? Oh, well you win, then, because that means you had the most fun (and were the wittiest, etc.).

Much to my surprise - and this was the most important lesson - real life is far more interesting than drunk life. I mean that without any irony or cuteness. Which is more interesting: talking to a guy when you're drunk and exchanging numbers (and whatever else follows) - or meeting someone sober, having a real discussion, finding out things you have in common, building a relationship (romantic or otherwise), all based on the merits of who you both are as people, rather than the temporary person you become when drunk? There is a world of difference between these two experiences. My ego is reluctant to tell you: I never bothered to put this together before the "experiment."

As I was observing these changes within myself, I had a great, big thought along the lines of - God didn't create drunk me. He created sober me. He gave me all the tools and abilities to exist, just as he made me, without the need for any enhancements along the way to bring out the "real" me. Real life is so much more interesting than drunk life because it is the life God intended us to live. All of the thoughts, experiences, emotions and personality traits that make me who I am were chosen by God, for me. To deny or change this, you may as well deny every bit of his creation. The trees aren't good enough, the birds aren't good enough, the flowers aren't good enough...I can fix them, because I know better.

I in no way believe alcohol is bad or evil, but I do believe using substances to obliterate our real selves in order to be liberated to something else, whatever that is, will never be an authentic way to live. It simply cannot be. It is a negation of who God created you to be; anxiety, flaws, lack of confidence, emotional baggage, neuroses and all. That's the real you. Why abandon it? Why mask it, or subdue it? It is still there when you wake up. Rather than run away from it, you have the option to come out and meet it, and perhaps even change it. In the very least, to try and love it with a real love.

I don't drink much anymore. The appeal is no longer there. However, I am endlessly fascinated by real life - by real love and relationships, and the way God works, the beauty of every day existence and the endless opportunities we have to meet other people in a very real way and grow. And opportunities to meet our real selves, as well: it is a never-ending wonder to learn the things I am capable of. True freedom will never be found in substances. True freedom comes only from building a relationship with God and keeping him at the center of your life and watching how he works for you and in you. And not only that, but building a relationship with yourself, one built on an understanding of the uniqueness God has very specifically endowed you with. This is what's real, and this is all you get to take with you. If we busy ourselves with seeking distraction, we will miss what God intended us to be. Thank God I woke up to that fact.

There are so many false gods to serve in this life and day after day we get to make the choice and learn the lesson - who will I serve?

Allocutio 8-26-15

Last night during Legion of Mary we covered a rather dry chapter from the handbook related to governance. Rather than focus solely on this chapter for the allocutio, I instead talked about a disturbing event that occurred yesterday morning, and the sorrow it stirs, along with my own gratitude for the community I have found in the Legion.

The reading tonight is very straightforward on Legion governance, and I would actually like to talk to you all about something a little different that has been weighing on my mind today.

Earlier today there was a double murder that was broadcast live on air. A man being referred to as a “disgruntled ex-employee,” who was in reality a deranged person with a history of bizarre behavior, opened fire on two former colleagues – an anchorwoman, who was 24, and her cameraman, who was 27, as they broadcast the news. In his suicide note, he claimed past racial discrimination by both. It is clear from reports coming out of his previous work places that he had a habit of harassing others, serious anger issues and claims of racial discrimination upon termination from multiple jobs. He was seriously disturbed.

Let’s face it, shootings happen all the time. They happen with relative frequency in public places. But never before, as far as I know, has a death occurred right there, live, in front of an audience. Not only was it captured by the now deceased camera man, it was filmed by the killer himself. After the killings, he took to his Twitter account to upload and share the video and justify his actions. This is a level of hubris and psychosis that I can’t even begin to understand.

So, where does this leave us? I was wondering as this story unfolded, what could have been done to prevent this man from doing what he did? Would a therapist have made a difference, or prescription drugs, or some time in prison? Some stories note that he was gay and claimed to be bullied for that, so perhaps he could have used some counseling on that issue alone, and maybe that would have made a difference. Regardless, he has taken his life, and we will never know.

The only thing I can think of here that would have made a difference is God. What would have this man’s life been like if he had a genuine, loving relationship with God – filled with the knowledge that he had value in God’s eyes, if not in the eyes of his peers? We cannot speculate with any accuracy or clarity, and it’s a bit of a useless game to even wonder, particularly as mental health is involved. I can’t help but feel that as our culture becomes more secular and more violent, the need for a relationship with God becomes that much more important. It becomes critical, for all of us, as the walls of isolation grow taller.

I am biased, and perhaps my inner church lady is coming out, but one of my first thoughts as I watched this unfold was, “I wish he had had a Legion!” I wish he had the family and love we have; the support and community that the Legion of Mary provides to all its members. I am so remarkably different than I was before I joined, and many of my rough and scarred edges have been smoothed. They continue to be. Or even if he were on the receiving end of Legion work, in a hospital, prison or in his home, what difference would one kind word have made? Maybe none. Perhaps it seems naïve to even entertain the thought. But I have faith in God, and little else, to change these kinds desperate of situations. As Catholics, we believe that no soul is beyond hope.

Were any of us to experience this tragedy, how would we cope? Both victims were in committed relationships with other employees at the news station. The camera man, Adam, was engaged to be married. His fiancée is now left behind with nothing but memories and questions. What kind of father would he have been? Where would they travel to? Where would they have lived? What was life going to look like? For the families and friends of these victims, they have a long road of grief ahead of them. For all of us, we know that the only way to walk it is with Christ by your side.

This is an unbelievable tragedy which will stay with this country for a long time. There is neither resolution nor peace to be found in this event. All we can do on the outside is to stay true to our faith in God for his timing and reasons, and be grateful for the loved ones we have in our lives. Take some time to call and reach out to the people you love, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. Should any of us ever personally experience something so viciously disturbing, I pray that we are able to truly live our faith and rely on God for strength. Let us end with a moment of silence for the victims and their loved ones.