A conversation about spending the holidays alone

Friends, my article is up at Catholic Stand, “How to Handle Spending the Holidays Alone.” I’ve also got it copy and pasted below.

This week, I spoke with John Morales over at Morning Air about this concept, which you can listen to here. It’s a little more personal than usual because, even though everything I write about is coming from my personal experience, loneliness at the holidays is certainly something I’ve experienced. And I wanted to convey that - it’s okay! While it is challenging, there is nothing shameful or resembling failure about being alone at the holidays. And indeed, there are some great, positive things you can do with that time to combat the depression and anxiety, and adopt healthier ways of being. Namely: stop comparing your life to others';’ work on naming the blessings in your life that you’re grateful for; and turn outward by serving others.

We didn’t have time on the show, but I had wanted to give a special shout out to members of the military spending the holidays far away overseas. In that situation you are surrounded by people, but they’re not family. It’s the same thing. We should all be thankful for the sacrifice those service members make every single day.

And now, for the article:

How to Handle Spending the Holidays Alone

Serving others helps us to focus on something outside ourselves and is the greatest way to combat loneliness.

The holiday season is upon us. For some, parties and family gatherings will be attended, and warm memories will be made. Yet, increasingly for many, the holidays are a solitary time of year. Being reminded of all the relationships we may feel we’re missing out on can be especially difficult. Is handling holiday loneliness in a healthy way feasible?

The Thief of Joy

Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy.” Unfortunately, if you are on social media, life becomes a 24/7 game of comparison, with completely unrealistic expectations based on polished photos of the best parts of other people’s lives. On the other side, recalling that someone can always be found who is worse off than you isn’t comforting, either. This kind of thinking is quite depressing and again requires comparing oneself to others rather than to oneself.

So, don’t compare. Your neighbors or coworkers may or may not be having a great holiday season surrounded by loved ones. You truly will never know. Leave the comparison at the door, and your loneliness will ease. Choosing not to compare your life with others’ lives is possible but requires some self-discipline, especially with the help of prayer.

Focus on Gratitude

I recently had a mini-bout of insomnia worrying about something. I turned the problem over and over in my head at 2:30 in the morning, coming no closer to solving the problem and certainly no closer to sleep. Even praying a Rosary did not help.

Suddenly I realized that, rather than focusing on this issue or any other problem troubling me, the immediate cure was to remember the good things in my life for which I am grateful. I literally named to myself in my thoughts all the blessings I could recall. Included in my list were the “big” things, like my son and husband, our home, our health, and all the joy in our family. But I also spent time specifically remembering the little things: a beautiful new shirt I bought that I’m excited to wear, the red leaves I recently collected for a keepsake project, the time I recently had to sit down and enjoy reading a newspaper, the promise of a visit to a favorite bakery. Really, nothing is too small for thankfulness. And as I named these things, I eventually was able to fall back asleep.

The same method works for combatting loneliness. You may be grateful, for example, that the holidays are a brief season and that, eventually, spring will come. You may be grateful for a pet you love, the beauty of all the Christmas displays, the ability to attend Mass, or enjoying a delicious cup of hot chocolate. As soon as that loneliness sets in, begin to remind yourself of the good you do have in your life and all of God’s blessings. Remind yourself as often as you need.

Serve Others

The greatest way to combat loneliness is to serve others. When we serve others, we are doing a couple of things. First, practically, we are focusing on something outside ourselves, getting away from our phones, social media, the news, and doomscrolling. Second, serving others is a sign of hope; we are saying that doing good for others is worth our time and effort and that some greater good will result.

Because everyone is different, service looks different for each of us. You may not be one for serving a meal to the homeless, but could you write a Christmas card to a home-bound veteran or serve as a volunteer at an animal shelter? Your parish will be full of volunteer opportunities for helping someone. From families at a crisis pregnancy center, to immigrants learning English, to food delivery to the needy, and so on, needs will abound, not just during the holidays but during every part of the year,. Connect with your pastor to find out where your skills and interests fit, and go out and do good.

Remember the Purpose of Christmas and God’s Promise

Pressure to have a social-media worthy holiday season does exist. When we don’t meet this expectation, the feeling can be very lonely. But remember the beauty and truth of Christmas: God loves us so much that He entered our world and became man:

“The angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly host with the angel, praising God and saying: ‘Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.’” (Luke 2:10-14)

…And yes, that last part is totally stolen from Charlie Brown.

Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving, Advent, and happy holiday season!